Since early childhood I have found anthropomorphic foodstuffs deeply troubling.

A vending machine full of eager little gumballs with blinky eyes and outstretched little graspy hands just ain't, if you will permit me a moment of judgment, right. Yes, we all like the idea that the gumballs are friendly, and yes, we like to believe there is a whole world of fun there in that glass vending hopper. No quarrel with any of that.

But here is the problem: The little red gumball is blinking and waving and shouting "pick me!" at little Johnny not because it will be fun to have Johnny as an owner but because it is happily, hungrily eager for its own demise.

Red wants to die. Red wants to feel the crushing, grinding weight of Johnny's molars. Red wants to be reduced to rubbery nothingness and spat on the sidewalk.

Every other anthropomorphic foodstuff there is has similar desires. The Hostess fruit pie; the Kinder Surprise; the notoriously glib M&Ms; the beverages in the fridge blocking Mom's line of sight to the Sunny D. The list of happily suicidal treats is very, very long indeed.

I have always found this alarming. Be suicidal, sure, if you must, but at least have the dignity to not wear an arse-eating grin while you're at it.

To the point: As you know, the Canadian Egg Marketing Agency recently tossed its decades-old "Get Cracking" slogan and wordmark in favour of this new logo:

Now, this is more like it. It is food with a face, true, but it has mixed feelings. I approve.

That is all.

Posted by Bret at January 31, 2003 02:27 PM