This hot sandwich has a large and cosmopolitan international audience. You, the internet public, are savvy and sophisticated. Well done, you sophisticates. You must be very pleased with yourselves. Pip pip and all that rot.
It is a good thing you have this hot sandwich, let me tell you. Because now that the threat of SARS is fading and another story is claiming the public mindspace, you will all need a primer on Lethbridge.
Lethbridge is a city in the Canadian province of Alberta. Last time I checked, some 60,000 to 90,000 souls called Lethbridge home. Lethbridge is also the home of Darlene "Dar" Heatherington. This is significant, because the story of "Dar" is now bigger than the story of SARS.
Hey, that almost rhymes! Wicked!
"Dar" is a municipal politician in Lethbridge. She serves on City Council there as an "Alderman." Lethbridge has not yet learned that it is OK to refer to people on City Council as "councillors." So even though "Dar" is a woman, she is still an "Alderman."
"Dar" is famous this week. This is because last week on a business trip to the USA city of Great Falls, Montana, she totally faked her own kidnapping. One moment she was touring Great Falls with a posse of Lethbridge Aldermen:
...and the next she was vanished without a trace. Days later she surfaced in the city of sin, Las Vegas, claiming to have been abducted and drugged and violated.
Then a day after that, when the Las Vegas police dept. smelled a rat, she admitted that, OK, she had not really been kidnapped after all but had instead just been roadtripping with a "friend." A friend who, the press happily pointed out, was a married man! And "Dar" was married too! And "Dar" and her "friend" totally had sexual intercourse on their roadtrip! Scandale!
...
If you are like me you are finding the whole matter quite exhausting and are looking for a little context.
This is where I come in. Many years ago, I personally lived in Lethbridge. I know the city intimately: its pulse, its heartbeat, its throbbings. And today I will reveal its secrets to you, the internet public.
(Before I get to that, if you would like to call "Dar" at home to wish her well, her phone number is posted on this web page.)
Now.
Secrets of Lethbridge:
1. You know that religious faith community that frowns on caffeine and wine but loves football and is kind of 50-50 about having lots of wives?
2. Lethbridge is mostly staffed by people who are members of that faith community.
3. And not just members but totally elders and bishops.
4. Women in Lethbridge still have Farrah Fawcett hair.
5. They have lots of babies.
6. They give their babies names like "Loma" and "JonBenet" and "Marmaduke."
7. If their babies are girls they enter them in beauty contests where they dress them up like small prostitutes and compete for such titles as "Little Miss Irrigation 2003."
8. Men in Lethbridge are Stand Up Guys.
9. They cut their hair very short up over their ears.
10. Their hobbies include watching sports and cheering for sports and sometimes playing a little touch football.
11. Once in elementary school they snuck a can of Coke and drank it.
12. But they've cleared matters up with the bishop and it's all water under the bridge now.
13. Or Coke under the bridge. Haw!
14. Maybe they still have some repenting to do.
Posted by Bret at May 8, 2003 11:52 PM
Comments from you, the internet public:
Lethbridge men who don't have short hair cropped up over their ears have greasy mullets and say things like "awww, shit, that injun didn't even go down when I hit 'em with tha bawtle I threw outa the truck windaw."
Posted by StigNasty at May 13, 2003 07:53 PMDar is a skinny slut.She looks like an emaciated elf!.she can't get what she wants at home so she took it on the road.Her husband is an idiot. Too bad this union produced children........poor kids.These people should move or he should take the kids and divorce this loooooooser.
Posted by tye at June 11, 2003 02:14 PMAS ONE WHO HAS FOLLOWED THE DAR SAGA WITH GREAT INTEREST.I FEEL THAT OUR FAVORITE CANADIAN ALDERMAN IS BEING UNJUSTLY SET UPON BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT A WOMAN OF DAR'S MAKEUP NEEDS A LITTLE REST AND RELAXATION AWAY FROM HUBBY AND THE KIDS.UNFORTUNATELY POOR DAR GOT CAUGHT WITH HER FINGERS IN THE COOKIE JAR.
DAR AS WE CAN SEE HAS ONE HELL OF AN IMAGINATION TO THINK UP THIS AWESOME STORY.I ONLY WISH I COULD HAVE THOUGHT OF A STORY
SUCH AS HERS WHEN MY FINGERS GOT SLAPPED
AS FOR THE ALBERTA MAN WHO WAS THE STUD IN THIS ESCAPADE YOU HAVE GOT TO BE (BLIND RETARDED HARDUP A HILLBILLY,A VIRGIN,A DRUNK,ON DRUGS OR JUST PLAIN NUTS)I MEAN TAKE A LOOK AT DAR.SHE MUST HAVE ONE HELL OF A BODY,SOME OF THE PICTURES THAT I'VE SEEN SURE ARE SCARY.(A COUPLE OF THEM LOOK LIKE MORGUE STILLS)
NONE THE LESS THIS E-MAIL IS NOT ABOUT DAR'S APPEARANCE BUT IT IS ABOUT HER RESOURCFULNESS IN COMING UP WITH THIS TALL TALE.FULL MARKS TO YOU DAR.
NOTE. I FELT COMPELLED EVEN AT THIS LATE DATE 12/21/03 TO WRITE THIS LITTLE DITTY.AND AM LOOKING FORWARD WITH TINGALING SENSATIONS TO MY GIRL DAR'S NEXT COURT APPEARANCE,WHICH I BELIEVE IS IN JAN.04
PS. DOES ANYBODY KNOW OF DAR FANCLUB IF SO PLEASE CONTACT ME
RHIPFNER@COGECO.CA
Posted by dar,s biggest fan at December 21, 2003 11:01 AMI would love to meet the loser who put together this web site. What a waste of time! I come from lethbridge and I can assure you that this fucker who put together this site was chased out of town because we don't put up with little punk faggits like hime around here. Lethbridge is probably one of the best places in the world to live because the majority of the people here have values and treat people with respect. Yes, Dar is as crazy as they come, but there is people like her everywhere. So if you know this little punk, punch him in the nose once for me. Thanx! JRL
Posted by Jim at January 28, 2004 06:19 PM*Quote -"I can assure you that this fucker who put together this site was chased out of town because we don't put up with little punk faggits (sic)like hime (sic) around here."
Followed by...
"...because the majority of the people here have values and treat people with respect"
No comment needed....
Hey Dude... There's a phone call for you... Its the Jerry Springer show.... are you available? =Y
Posted by Shemp Howard at February 3, 2004 01:47 PM
How stupid can someone be. If you wanted to have a fling, don't make up such a stupid story. I can't believe that someone so stupid can be voted in for public office....except for Jean Cretien.
By the way, anybody who says "Lethbridge is probably one of the best places in the world to live" most likely never has never left Lethbridge city limits.
Good job on the website. Feel free to protest against stupidity. Any body who feels different, get a brain and put up your own website!
Posted by Fire all politicians at February 8, 2004 02:15 AMwell said my friend. excellent work and would someone please throw the stunned bitch in jail!
Posted by David at November 5, 2004 08:44 PMPost a comment of your own:
> 5. They have lots of babies.
So it looks like a lot of people know the city's throbbings intimately.
Posted by Spoothe at May 9, 2003 01:36 PM