Several weeks ago I appealed for your assistance. For you, the internet public, are friendly and sensible, and you never went in for being snarky & disinterested the way all your hipster pals did. You are reliable and eager to make this word a better place, and also you are extra eager to make it more entertaining. So when I asked you the following questions, two (2) of you took the time to respond. Speaking as someone who has seen the server logs here at this hot sandwich, I can say that the ratio of helpful participants to unhelpful lurkers is headcrushingly high. I can also say this:
Whee!
Here, for your reference, are the questions I asked you:
1. Have you never been mellow?2. Suppose I somehow found a way to actually get in touch with Christian Potenza. Should I be shy or should I actually get in touch and ask him all those questions we have been working on?
3. Sebaceous cysts: foodstuffs or condiments?
4. If you had personally come up with a wicked neat re-design of a popular sports team's distinctive "logo," or "crest," or "badge," would you post your new design on a public web server, or would you keep trying to get the president of the sports team to take your phone calls even though his secretary had repeatedly brushed you off in the past?
5. Relish?
Here are your responses:
1a. No.
1b. That's a confusing question. I always thought Olivia Newtron Bomb was either deep or grammatically foolish. Maybe she's both. The only way I can answer that is by telling you that I have been mellow. Though once in Amsterdam the mellowness turned very quickly to paranoia. If you know what I mean.
2a. Shy, until he shows a moment of weakness, or arrogance, and then hammer him with those other questions.
2b. Of course you should pester him! I mean, ask him all those questions. Your public has a right to know!
3a. Condiment.
3b. Depends on the main course.
4a. Post it on a public server.
4b. Get a lawyer first, copyright the design (if it doesn't cost you more than 5 bucks), do one of them fancy Photoshop watermarks, then publish that puppy! Your public has a right to see your handiwork since you've teased us so far.
5a. No thanks.
5b. Never.
Answer key:
1a: Lame answer. 0 pts.
1b: No I do not know what you mean. You mean drugs, right? Okay, I know what you mean. You are a drug head. 5 pts.
2a: That is a plan. 5 pts.
2b: True, but more encouragement would have been nice. 3 pts.
3a: Bold and true. 5pts.
3b: Indecisive and therefore incorrect. Sebaceous cysts are by their nature hot and juicy and crackly and saucy. Therefore they are condiments. Spread them on toast! And English muffins! Toasted or untoasted! Or on pork rinds if you are on Atkins and not allowed to eat bread! Although that will probably make you stink! 0pts.
4a: Brave but foolhardy. 1 pt.
4b: Excellent lawyering, but where is the courage? 3 pts.
5a: Wrong. 0 pts.
5b: Wrong. 0 pts.
Final tally: Contestant (a) scores 11 points, tying Contestant (b), who also scores 11 points. It is time for sudden death!
One of you, please die. Then the other can be declared the winner.
Alternative winner-selection method: Contestant (a) and Contestant (b) must both write short pieces of verse and mail them in to this hot sandwich. Here are the rules for the verse competition:
1. All entries must comply with the strongsmell.com poetry policy.
2. All entries must address the "Chutney" v. "Dill Bits" debate.
3. That is all.
4. Entries from the public at large are encouraged.
5. But the public at large will begin with an 11-point handicap.
6. Because the public at large did not frickin' participate in the previous round.
7. That is all.
