Lies make Baby Jesus cry

This afternoon Matthew Perry sent me a note. No, not that weak-chinned drug addict from Friends. The real Matthew Perry, who is sensible and friendly, and who lives across the street from a chocolate factory.

In his note, Matthew Perry explained that this religious broadcasting outfit called "Crossroads" was having a big to-do about gay weddings.

See, here in the centre of the universe, it recently became legal for men to get married to men and women to get married to women. This is a really super idea. Consider the economic spillover of all those new names in the Ashley's gift registry, for one thing. For another, consider the burgeoning market for high-end canapés.

The people at Crossroads do not think this is a hot idea at all. Their supreme boss, David Mainse, the man whose picture sits atop this post, recently left his day job hosting the flagship Crossroads TV show. He did this, he said, so he could spend more spend more time campaigning against that demon of our time, fruit marriage.

Meanwhile, the Crossroads communication apparatus was at full throttle.

"If men start marrying men and women start marrying women," the Crossroaders opined, "in no time at all everyone's going to get the idea that there's nothing wrong with that wiener-in-the-bum thing. And also everyone's going to get the idea that, um, whatever those fallen women do in their private time is O.K. too. (What do they do together, anyway? It has something to do with electric motors, doesn't it? Ick!) This must not stand!"

The Crossroaders helpfully provided a list of government web sites, which we the internet public were to use to tell our elected officials that we do not like that sort of thing.

They also provided an internet cyber-poll, which we the internet public could use to vote on the following question:

Are you for or against same sex marriage?

This was why Matthew Perry sent me a note. He wanted all his friends to know there was a poll, and he thought it would be neat if we all voted. The "For" side, Matthew Perry noted, was winning.

I went and had a look. "For" was indeed winning, with about 68 percent of the popular vote. But there was no place to cast a ballot. "Rats," I said.

Then another note from Matthew Perry arrived:

Interesting thing happened today... Right after I voted, the opportunity to vote further disappeared from their website. The results were still showing (67.8% for, 31.4% against and 0.8 undecided) when I went back but you couldn't vote. Now they've even removed the poll results. Guess they didn't like what they heard/saw...

Thanks for going to check it out... Maybe we should all ask what happened
to the poll?

This didn't seem right at all. What was going on at Crossroads?

Just then, a note arrived from Joe, who is Matthew Perry's partner in living across the street from the chocolate factory:

Interesting. Now the website lists the poll results... as of JULY 9. Now there's an honest poll. Go back in time and post the results as of the date you like the results!

Goodness. Joe was right. The Crossroads web site now invited us, the internet public, to "View Final Results (as of July 9, 2003)." Back then, "Against" apparently had drawn some 73 percent of the ballots. And the votes cast since then? Cast into the lake of fire!

Then Gordie of the Rocks sent a note of his own:

Subject: Lies make Baby Jesus cry

In re. Believing This Shit:

Given that we are dealing with what passes for the religious right in Canada, yes. I can indeed believe this shit. But hey, their credibility was shot the second Davey and Goliath started shilling for Mountain Dew (tm). Watch for the Mainse and Coren bobbleheads, coming soon to your local retailer of graven images.

Peace be with you. And with you.

And with you, Gordie of the Rocks. And with you, those who are fruity and engaged. But not with you, David Mainse. And not with you, Crossroads.

I am totally never watching Growing Pains again.

Posted by Bret at July 22, 2003 10:27 PM