This weekend Kate and I went to the video store and rented a movie. We rented a movie called "Gigli." Perhaps you have heard of it.
Gigli stars two of the brightest lights of 2003, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. They were bright lights in 2003 because they were beautiful and famous and engaged to be married to each other, and also because Us magazine put them on the cover twelve or fifteen times.
Us magazine did this because one night during summer 2003 Ben got up to no good in a Vancouver gentlemen's club. Reports of exactly what happened that evening are vague and mutually contradictory, but everyone who is anyone agrees on the following:
Ben Affleck totally got a hummer from a stripper.
Now.
Ben and Jennifer were not always so famous, and neither were they so famous under such tawdry circumstances. When they first met, they were just two beautiful people, alone in the universe but for each other. They were simple folk. They were one set of beautiful glands calling to another set of beautiful glands in the darkness.
They found love together in that most improbable of environments: a film set.
They found love together on the set of a film called Gigli.
Afterward they learned about the cold and heartless celebrity press. They learned that Us magazine wanted them dead or alive. They learned that Us magazine revelled in their disappointments and humiliations. They learned The Price Of Fame.
But on the set of Gigli, they knew only love.
So you would totally think it would be a wicked good hot sexy movie. On account of it stars wicked hot sexy people who Were Actually Having Naked Sweaty Action With Each Other In Real Life At The Time Of Production.
You would be wrong. Gigli is not a very good movie.
But.
Neither is it as bad as everybody says. It deserves one full star, or maybe one and a half if you are feeling friendly. Here is why:
About two-thirds of the way through Gigli, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have a conversation about their private parts.
"Boy private parts are better than girl private parts," says Ben.
"No," says Jennifer, "girl private parts are better than boy private parts."
"I totally have a big dong," says Ben. "It is a really super great dong. It represents progress and fortitude. And, er, thrusting."
"Ah," says Jennifer. "That is a well taken point. But I have a hoo-hoo. It looks like a mouth and you should kiss it."
(note: I am totally not just being dirty here because this is the internet and you can get away with being dirty on the internet. Jennifer Lopez actually talks like this in Gigli.)
Then, to illustrate her point, Jennifer Lopez spreads her legs as far apart as they can possibly go, causing her gym shorts to cling snugly to her private parts.
"OK," says Ben, "you win. Your hoo-hoo is totally better than my dong. Want to have sexual intercourse?"
"OK," says Jennifer.
In retrospect I kind of sympathize with the Us magazine people.
Comments from you, the internet public:
Whew! What a start to the New Year!
Does this mean that all along, for years and years and maybe even a few days longer than that I have inferred the wrong meaning from the words: gigling, giggling and jiggling?
Please let me know.
Noswad
Posted by Noswad at January 14, 2004 03:13 PMPost a comment of your own:
For the record: I asked Bret to go into the video store in search of something funny. Maybe even a romantic comedy. Judge me as you may. I had no actual part in CHOOSING Gigli. I was in the car the whole time.
Posted by Kate at January 13, 2004 11:26 PM