Today I was sitting on the bus in one of those one-person seats. Two people got on the bus together. They were holding hands all tightly and trying hard not to break eye contact with each other and totally shutting out the world if you catch my drift.
They were both around 30 years old. They were dressed all in black with black trenchcoats over top. Or rather she had a dark purple velvet shirt on but you catch my drift. They wore gleaming steel-toed army boots. They had little stringers of braid descending from their glossy Miss Clairol black hair. They wore chunky silver rings on every finger and a few thumbs. Chains poked out of their tranchcoats in several places. They were caked with eyeliner. They were fat. They were totally covered in cat hair.
The bus was crowded and all the seats were taken so they came over to stand beside me. Here is what they said to each other, loudly:
"Why do you always have to let go?"
"What?"
"Why are you always letting go when I'm holding your hand?"
"I'm not. We've been holding hands all afternoon."
"When we got on the bus."
"I needed to get my money out of my pocket."
"I said I would pay."
"I got on the bus first. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal."
"You know I wanted this day to be something I did for YOU."
"It is."
"So why wouldn't you just keep holding my hand and let me pay?"
"I just didn't think about it. It's the bus. You got lunch."
"So it's tit for tat now? God, why do you have to make this so hard?" (Blinks back tears, maintains eye contact.)
"I'm sorry."
"..."
"Really, I'm sorry."
"..." (Blinks back more tears)
"..."
"..."
"merp." (This was spoken in a very soft voice, with a slight Muppet throatiness, à la Kermit or Ernie.)
"..."
"merp."
"merp."
"merp merp merp."
"mer mer merp mer merp merp mer mer merp."
"merp merp mer merp merp mer mer mer merp."
They embraced, tightly. She buried her chin in his neck and he in hers. She visibly moved her pelvis forward. He did the same. Tears flowed.
"Don't ever let me go again."
"I won't"
"mer merp."
"mer mer merp."
...
Most times I am loath to rush to moral judgment but here silence is simply not an option. Here is my moral judgment.
Unless the words "mer" and "merp" actually appear in your native tongue, it is not acceptable to use them as expressions of affection on a public transit vehicle. Take off your clothes and rub each other instead.
Thanks so much for your time and attention. Mer mer merp.
Posted by Bret at April 22, 2004 05:16 PM
Comments from you, the internet public:
Sir: Until I read this piece a couple of days ago I do NOT recall ever saying, "merp". That pleases me, given the nature of the conversation related after your bus trip. I have a couple of concerns.
The first is that you made an allusion to a sound emanating from their mouths akin to what might have come from Kermit or Ernie. As a namesake of the latter, I have been troubled by that. Most Ernie's I know are very frank about this. They would never say "merp."
The second concern is that from an Ernie you might be more likely to hear a sound akin to a bovine air movement and sudden discharge of methane gas into the already polluted atmosphere.
So, don't go using names like you have in such a Cavalier manner, eh buddy!
Posted by Ernie at April 26, 2004 06:25 PMPost a comment of your own:
The horror... the horror...
That's total cause for opening up and using the emergency windows on the bus.
Posted by Tony Walsh at April 23, 2004 02:58 PM