Since early childhood I have found anthropomorphic foodstuffs deeply troubling.

A vending machine full of eager little gumballs with blinky eyes and outstretched little graspy hands just ain't, if you will permit me a moment of judgment, right. Yes, we all like the idea that the gumballs are friendly, and yes, we like to believe there is a whole world of fun there in that glass vending hopper. No quarrel with any of that.

But here is the problem: The little red gumball is blinking and waving and shouting "pick me!" at little Johnny not because it will be fun to have Johnny as an owner but because it is happily, hungrily eager for its own demise.

Red wants to die. Red wants to feel the crushing, grinding weight of Johnny's molars. Red wants to be reduced to rubbery nothingness and spat on the sidewalk.

Every other anthropomorphic foodstuff there is has similar desires. The Hostess fruit pie; the Kinder Surprise; the notoriously glib M&Ms; the beverages in the fridge blocking Mom's line of sight to the Sunny D. The list of happily suicidal treats is very, very long indeed.

I have always found this alarming. Be suicidal, sure, if you must, but at least have the dignity to not wear an arse-eating grin while you're at it.

To the point: As you know, the Canadian Egg Marketing Agency recently tossed its decades-old "Get Cracking" slogan and wordmark in favour of this new logo:

Now, this is more like it. It is food with a face, true, but it has mixed feelings. I approve.

That is all.

Posted by Bret at 02:27 PM

Guess what Spoothe has invented?

Go on, guess.

...

No, even better than that. Spoothe has invented a machine that produces bum words on demand. Spoothe calls it Roget's Assaurus.

I think that is rumptastic.

Posted by Bret at 02:13 PM

Apparently the thing "web logs" are best at is linking to other web destinations. This is how the world comes to know that there is a whole community of people who like to write rollicking mysteries about Michelle Kwan.

Normally at this point I would say something snide and dismissive, but not today. Just leaf through a few pages' worth of the stuff and then ask yourself honestly which deserves your scorn more:

1. That honest-if-cringeworthy effort, or

2. John Madden blathering at us all Sunday afternoon about what a classic this is going to be Jon Gruden takes on his old team best offence vs. best defence I can't wait I can't wait.

Loser.

Apparently this hot sandwich is big on sanctimony.

Posted by Bret at 12:48 PM

By their very nature, "web logs" are prone to rambling on and on about topics of very little interest to the public at large. This is because, while "web logs" have publishers, they tend not to have editors.

What does this mean for you, the web-surfing public? It means that you will learn today not about the ups and downs of trade surpluses in the Euro zone, but rather about one person's personal failings.

Today, the proprietor of this hot sandwich (or "I," if you prefer) got up bright and early and decided to go down to the import/export part of town and buy some import fruit. Specifically, some of those import fruits that look like litchis (lychees?) but are less spiny and more hairy. Apparently fruits of this kind are called "rambutans." They are neat.

So, how did the expedition turn out?

It did not.

This hot sandwich has no rambutans to report.

That is sad. Sad like Rob the weepy computer programmer who offered Trista his heart and asked only that she wipe his teary eyes in return.

Say, did you know that clementines are halfway between oranges and mandarins?

No?

That's unfortunate.

Posted by Bret at 08:39 PM

You are of course very pleased to be here.

Why are you pleased?

You are very pleased because today marks the beginning of an enterprise that will astonish and delight you. Years from now, when the historians of the future are writing the great stories of the 21st century, they will write florid and loving words about this hot sandwich. And if you are still alive (or if you have been thawed out and resurrected) at the time, you will be able to tell those historians that you were here today, the day it all started.

So congratulations to you.

This hot sandwich is what we insiders like to call a "web log." It is like a diary, except that instead of being locked in a drawer to hide it from prying eyes, it is hosted on a public web server and eagerly promoted at the proprietor's every opportunity.

Also, it does not contain very much of that weepy stuff about I am sad when will I ever find someone to understand me I have lost 200lbs. so far on Atkins 200 more to go good luck other low carbers why is my husband such a jerk I don't think I love my mother anymore healing journey blessed be.

So really it's not much of a diary at all. The entries do have date stamps, though.

Like few other web logs, this hot sandwich will contain Top Quality Content™. This, plus the occasional gratuitous nude photo of the proprietor, is what we insiders like to call a "content strategy." It is our recipe for fame and riches.

Do you have questions? Of course you do. Here is a list of them, with answers.

Q. Who is the proprietor of this hot sandwich?

A. Bret Dawson is.

Q. Is B.D. sensible and friendly?

A. Yes.

Q. Is this hot sandwich Bret Dawson's personal web site?

A. Yes.

Q. What is B.D.'s impersonal web site?

A. The cold, indifferent strongsmell.com.

Q. Why have two web sites?

A. Easy. One for short entertaining blasts of internet comedy and analysis, and one for long-form interviews with prominent citizens and taunting the Swiss.

Q. Which one is for which?

A. Knock knock.

Q. Who's there?

A. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Q. ...

A. Haw!

Q. ...

A. This hot sandwich is for the short blasts.

Q. ...

A. That was a live demonstration.

Q. Oh.

A. Up yours, assface.

Posted by Bret at 04:54 PM | Comments (5)