There is fresh goodness at strongsmell.com today. Yes, All Star Face Off has returned, and this time Bill Cosby is going toe-to-toe with Architecture.
Sorry I didn't manage that on Thursday. I think I had the dropsy but it got better.
Posted by Bret at 06:20 PM
The lovely and talented Clive, who runs the lovely and talented Collision Detection "web log" when he is not drinking too much coffee or nervously crashing video game cars, sent me a link to a news story from Palm Beach, Florida. Reading it, I learned that a county commissioner there named Burt Aaronson wants his County Commission to officially change the name of french fries to "Freedom fries."
What a good idea. Everyone knows the French do not eat food like that.
I've heard they like to eat large servings of fresh vegetables, and alongside they have small portions of perfectly-roasted rare meats, which are themselves dabbed with exquisitely-seasoned cream sauces. On the side they have a glass of 1961 Chateau Latour Pauillac.
And sometimes they have a big long loaf of bread whose name sounds like a homophobic slur. This is a family "web log" so I will not print it here.
Posted by Bret at 01:54 PMThe outrageous and amazing thing about Christian Potenza is that everyone you meet thinks he is great. He has fans and supporters across the land. This is understandable, given the man's prodigious comic gifts.
Many of you have sent me questions for Christian Potenza, should I ever screw up the nerve to pursue an interview with him. I thought it would be a good idea to publish them here on this hot sandwich and maintain a running and growing list. That way they will stay at the top of all our minds, and if you or I should run into him on the subway one day, we will have them at the ready and will be able to smoothly change the subject when he suggests everyone get naked.
So. Here are the first questions for Christian Potenza. Remember, it is not too late to add your own.
1. Miracle Whip or mayonnaise?
2. How do you make your face go like that?
3. Aerosol cheese: foodstuff or condiment?
4. Some baiting to get him to say "it's all about balance" would be good too. As in, if I were to take up a career as a tight-rope walker what skills would ensure my success? This would be similar to how Adam Sandler was baiting Henry Winkler into saying the Fonz's catchphrases. He would say "Henry, what's the first letter in the alphabet?". Then of course Fonz would say "A." That would be fun, no?
I have thought of one of my own, as well:
5. Did that lozenge really cure your hoarseness or were you just faking it because you were on T.V.? Because I'm feeling like the lozenges I use are not nearly so effective and maybe I'm buying the wrong kind.
Posted by Bret at 01:22 PMThis is a lot of talking about television, I know. But even if you are a TV-hating Super Snob 3000 DX™, I am confident you will be grateful for the following information.
Do you know this guy?
Of course you do. He is the guy who goes on the subway and eats corn chips and gets distracted and forgets where he is and thinks he is at a party and suggests loudly that everyone get naked.
He is also the guy whose voice is hoarse and whose cries of "fore" are ineffective, until he eats a lozenge.
He is the guy who makes us all happy every time he appears on our televisions. He could read Mr. Dressup's obituary and make it a total gut-buster.
I just talked to his agent because I wanted to know what his name was.
"Christian Potenza," the agent said.
"Ah," I said. Then I asked for his phone number but she wouldn't give it to me. If I want to interview him she might let me, though, if I send her an email outlining who I am and what I want the interview for. So now I'm shy and not sure what to do.
But. Supposing I were going to follow through.
What should I ask Christian Potenza?
Posted by Bret at 12:59 PMTonight on television they showed something called Joe Millionaire: Reaction From The Fallout Shelter. In it, America talked about how much it liked Joe Millionaire and Joe Millionaire talked about how much he liked America.
It was neat.
When it was all done, I felt proud of myself for catching every single frame of the whole JM phenomenon. But a question lingered in my mind. It lingers still. Here it is:
Why were none of the women called "Janae"?
If you have thoughts, I sure would appreciate it if you sent a note. Because I'm so puzzled, see.
Posted by Bret at 09:47 PMYou know that popular male performer with the girly name?
No, not Stacey Keach. "Nelly."
"Nelly" is the one who always wears the bandage on his face even though he does not have a boo-boo. Perhaps he wears it to distract attention from the rest of his features, which are, frankly, horrific. He is not so much ugly as disfigured.
One of the film clips "Nelly" uses to promote one of his recordings features a large and enthusiastic gathering of chesty babes at a nightclub. The chesty babes all dance happily and sweatily, while "Nelly" suggests that they all take off their clothes on account of the heat.
It is really a super great film clip.
In the middle of the clip, the gentleman playing the records in the nightclub stops the music in order to point out a safety hazard.
"The roof," he says, "is on fire." He points to flames snaking across the ceiling.
Ah, we think, thus the heat.
The chesty babes remain enthusiastic. They chant eagerly:
The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!
Nonplussed but resigned, the gentleman gives up on his warnings and puts the records back on. The chesty babes begin their disrobings.
So, on with that simple question.
Now that recent events have made it clear that enflamed nightclubs are deadlier than they are titillating, do you think they're going to be showing that clip on TV anymore?
Personally I hope so. Taking off all your clothes is still a pretty good thing.
Posted by Bret at 03:10 PMThis morning Safety Carrot and I went to her regular Thursday morning activity, a lecture series on the restoration and reconstruction of antique string instruments. It was a very special class; the instructor had brought along a 1735 Guarneri del Gesů violin for everyone to see and hear.
As you can imagine, this excited the Carrot immensely.
"If you please, miss," she said, "might I be so fortunate as to hold this precious instrument? Would you permit me to put bow to string?"
The teacher was most taken with the Carrot's enthusiasm. "Of course," she said, passing the Guarneri over.
With eyes like saucers and a monstrous grin on her face, the Carrot raised her bow and treated the room to the Allegro assai from Bach's Sonata No.3 in C Major, BWV 1005.
Now, I've heard her play that about a zillion times, so at this point I got a little distracted and started looking around the room. It was full of parents and their one-and-a-half-year-olds as always, but one of the fathers was new.
Blimey if he wasn't a real live Rock Star. He was the guy with the glasses in that band with the song with the line that goes "I don't make films but if I did they'd have a samurai." Here is his picture:
For the moment I can't remember what his band is called. "Girls Without Pants" or something like that.
Anyway, we exchanged glances and faint smiles that said "Gosh, it's an honour to be in the room with you."
Then Safety Carrot finished the Allegro assai and in all the excitement of the standing ovation that followed, I failed to strike up a conversation with the Rock Star.
He is probably at home crying about it right now.
Posted by Bret at 03:54 PMShift magazine is dead again. Its corporate parents at St. Joseph Corporation figured the technology sector hadn't made the rebound they were hoping for, so they pulled the plug. The March issue, which comes out in two weeks, will be the last one.
I would like to say that this is stupid. Anyone who thinks Shift is a technology magazine, or that its fortunes must somehow be tied to the NASDAQ's, is simply not paying attention. Anyone who thinks that and actually works right there in the executive suite is a complete horse's ass.
You knew that already, though. You are smart and you like reading smart clever things. That is what you do every day after you are finished with this hot sandwich.
Maybe Shift will come back some day. It has in the past. In the meantime, let's all take a moment and be sad.
Posted by Bret at 11:55 AMThere are too many kinds of mint. This is a new problem. When I was young we had exactly the right number and the choice was based on a simple personality test:
Fighter: Spearmint
Lover: Doublemint (pleasure, etc.)
Showoff hot-sauce aficionado: Peppermint
Elegant, no?
Trust those tools at Wrigley to fix something that ain't broke. First along came "Excel," which apparently accelerates your breath. Ask anyone who's ever had to spend 20 minutes puffing into a paper bag if that's any fun.
Then along came "Chlorophyll," which is not technically a mint but if you've ever tasted the stuff you get the picture. And then "Winterfresh." Then "Midnight Ice" and "Frost" and a bunch of ill-advised farting around in the product lab that resulted in abominations like "Cinnamint" and "Cherry Chill."
I disapprove. It is a shameful misuse of fantastic packaging technology.
On the bright side:
1. Linking to trade-magazine articles! Whee!
2. There is an interview with Condoleezza Rice at strongsmell.com today. Golly, is it ever great.
3. Would one of you please get off your arse and vote in the aerosol cheese poll?
4. That is all.
If you enjoy Top Quality Content™ you naturally are a long-time reader of Pigdump. Since the 20th century, Pigdump has been the best and most reliable source of TQC™. Pigdump is great. Pigdump is funny and should be on TV. Pigdump is stalwart; it has defiantly refused to succumb to the market forces that claimed many of its peers. (We have been a little concerned about its fate these past few days, true. But needlessly so.)
Yes, the big Pidgump re-lauch is here, and you are invited.
I'm wicked hoping for canapés and bubbly at the party.
Posted by Bret at 10:34 PMRight. We were supposed to start a "meme."
Okay, if you have a "web log," now it's your turn to help the students. Go!
Now!
Hurry!
Posted by Bret at 05:29 PMJust as I promised, today I will provide a helpful service for University of Texas students enrolled in Stan Gunn's Information in Cyberspace (LIS-312sg | TLC-311). This is a class about the internet and "computers," so it is vastly more intimidating and spooky than most for-credit programs.
If you are taking this course and struggling with fear and self-doubt as you attempt to complete the current assignment, "Documenting a weblog," relax. Help is here. I am about to give you all the answers you need.
1. Who is the intended audience of this weblog?
Audiences are for wimps.
Real men have CUSTOMERS.
Please send me five dollars.
2. Why do you think motivates the author of this weblog?
1. A childish need for attention.
2. Also greed. Five dollars, please.
3. And deep-seated feelings of superiority. Stan Gunn, please note that this question should be "What do you think motivates the author of this weblog?". Not "Why".
4. Want to hear a joke? Okay.
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Got any grapes?" The pharmacist, confused, tells the duck no, his pharmacy doesn't sell grapes."O.K.!" says the duck. Then he waddles out.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the pharmacist tells him no.
"This is a pharmacy. We sell medicines here. We fill prescriptions. We don't have any grapes."
"O.K.!" says the duck, who leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back, approaches the dispensary, waits patiently for the pharmacist to make eye contact, and then asks his question:
"Got any grapes?"
"No," the pharmacist sighs. "Go away."
"O.K.!" says the duck. He leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back in.
"Got any grapes?"
"Dammit," the pharmacist says, "we've been over this. We do not sell grapes. We have never sold grapes. We never will sell grapes, ever.
"O.K.!" The duck waddles out.
The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any grapes?"
The pharmacist grabs him by the neck and yells at him.
"Look, duck, this is a pharmacy! We do not sell grapes! If you ever, ever ask me for grapes again, I will nail your miserable fucking little webbed duck feet to the floor!"
"O.K.!" The duck waddles out.
The next day, the duck comes back in.
"Got any nails?"
"Uh," the pharmacist says, "no."
"Got any grapes?"
3. Who is writing the weblog?
I don't know. I think it's somebody named Brent or Brett or something.
4. How often do they add entries to their site?
Once.
5. Why do you think the creator established this weblog?
This is the same question as #2. Redundancy offends me. Try harder, Stan!
6. Do you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with the author? Why?
I'm going to reserve judgement until this aerosol cheese thing is resolved. Goooooo condiment!
Posted by Bret at 05:24 PMOnce there was this nebbishy little guy named Rich. He was a scientist. He noticed that ideas and tunes and jokes were good at getting stuck in peoples' heads and copying themselves into other peoples' heads. He thought that was a lot like the way genes were good at getting in peoples pants and moving themselves into other peoples' pants.
So he rounded up all the ideas and tunes and jokes and called them "memes." He thought the word had a nice ring to it.
He was right. It had such a nice ring that it copied itself into thousands and millions of other peoples' heads. Today, geeks the world over talk about "memes" non-stop because they're too cool to concern themselves with, you know, content. Everyone else mostly just enjoys humming "The Ketchup Song" over and over.
Today with the aid of technology and also the internet, "memes" can spread and copy themselves more quickly than ever before.
For example.
Today on the rabbit blog I learned that the University of Texas is giving real credits to students who can document "web logs." The students have to answer six questions:
The rabbit did her readers (and UTexas students) the favour of filling in the blanks, which was nice. I'll do that tomorrow and then you can do the same on your "web log" and the next thing you know we'll have a "meme" on our hands. Whee!
...
There is an interview with Dick Cheney at strongsmell.com today. It is provocative.
Posted by Bret at 03:57 PMOn Monday afternoon I went to pick up Safety Carrot from the day spa where she hangs out while the grownups are at work. Her day had gone very well, featuring both construction-paper artwork and extensive snacking. Apparently the Carrot is big on snacking.
Refreshed and invigorated, we left the spa and returned to our waiting car.
It had a big hole in the window of the front-seat passenger door. Little niblets of glass were all over the asphalt and the upholstery.
And.
Someone had stolen my man purse!
"Don't panic," the Carrot said. "Wait here. I'll find the culprits and hold them until the police arrive." But she already had her five-point restraint on, along with a snowsuit, and was less mobile than she had hoped.
"Oh, forget it," she said. "That thing always made you look like a total fairy anyway."
"This," I sniffed, "coming from the person wearing big pink and purple snowboots. Pot, kettle, etc."
She gave me that narrow-eyed look that tells me it's time to change the subject, so I did and shortly we were playing Large Number Logarithms and yukking it up like we always do.
Today I remembered that, along with some stylish eyeglasses, a library book about Frisbees, two cheapo notebooks and a pack of delicious spearmint Excel chewing gum, my stolen-and-presumably-lost-forever man purse also held an unpaid parking ticket.
"Crap," I thought, "what am I going to do about that?"
I phoned the police to ask.
"Oh, that's easy," the police said. "What's your plate number?"
"MRSULU," I said.
"Okay, I've got the ticket here," said the police. "Would you like to pay it now?"
"I still have to pay it?"
"Yes, butthole, you still have to pay it."
"Rats. Okay."
"That'll be 21 dollars."
"But the ticket is only 20."
"Service charge."
"Oh, come on. It's not like I sent back the wine to impress my dinner companions and you're actually inconvenienced, is it? It's your job to take calls from people like me and help us out. Cut me a little slack."
"Sir," the police said, "you can pay the service charge or you can not pay the service charge. But we have long memories and quick tempers. And we also have night vision goggles and comprehensive databases and kevlar vests and helmets and wicked fast cars. And tasers. Do not trifle with us."
"You have tasers?"
"Yes. Big ones with two batteries."
"Cool," I said. "Can I come over and play with one?"
"Sure thing," said the police. So I went over and we had a grand old time tasing each other in the head.
Posted by Bret at 02:29 PMFirst, there is cause for celebration, as All Star Face Off has returned to the pages of strongsmell.com. Today's battle royale pits "Jerry" against "Gerry," with wild and unpredictable results. Those of you who loved The War On Terrorism v. Detergent will not be disappointed.
Second,
Aerosol cheese: condiment or foodstuff?
foodstufforcondiment@hotsandwich.com
Remember to show your work!
You people are great. Really you are. I would like to take you out and buy you some soup.
Posted by Bret at 05:23 PM | Comments (1)One day I hope one of you will see fit to teach me how to write a film treatment, because I've heard that screenwriters are always getting invited to lavish parties with celebrity guest lists and expensive catering, and I really, really like canapés. Especially the ones with the dark rye bread and the little blot of foie gras on top. Those are the best.
Here is my new idea for a movie:
Super kids against evil developers
There are these three kids named Skippy, Sunny, and Phil. They all live on the same street and play in a treehouse that they've built in a vacant lot at the end of the street. These evil real estate developers come along and want to put up a new children's hospital on the lot, which means the kids' treehouse is slated for demolition.
So the kids set up pickets and that attracts a man from the neighbourhood who is a shop steward for the union at the local Quick 'n' Save, and he tells the kids about the power of collective action, so they all sign cards and form local #131. Then the employer doesn't negotiate in good faith, so the kids file a grievance with the labour relations board.
The evil developers are named Randy and Mel.
Posted by Bret at 03:03 PMI find it astonishing when something like this happens. Yesterday I asked you, the internet public, a question I was sure you had not spent any time considering. Today, your responses are in, and you speak with one voice. Below is the tally for Al Gore: condiment or foodstuff.
Votes for foodstuff: 0
Votes for condiment: 3
Spoiled ballots: 0
Your collected reasonings are logical and thorough. Here is the most erudite of them:
When I think of a condiment, I think of an extra, a pleasantry that, while entirely disposable, enhances the main course. A condiment cannot stand alone. Since Al Gore was a mere pleasantry in the main course that was the Clinton presidency (one that, personally, I never cared for with condiments or without), and his attempts to stand alone failed, he should be classified as a condiment. We see now that he is entirely disposable to the Democratic Party. Specifically, I believe Gore is mayonnaise: extremely white and slightly chunky, and the half of the population that likes it isn't really even all that crazy about it.
Here is the tawdriest:
Condiment. The reasoning is simple. If you considered it a foodstuff, you would feel satisfied after eating the said foodstuff. Since I would not eat Al Gore, I have to say condiment. The only one who can truly answer this is Tipper Gore. I wonder if she would feel satisfied after eating Al Gore?
Here is one whose logic is honed to a gleaming edge:
Pro-condiment: Could he ever be anything more than a garnish on the Clinton legacy? Pro-foodstuff: Is there a condiment as bland as Al? Foodstuffs can be bland but not condiments.Verdict: Condiment. But he can only aspire to the status of Hellman's Light Mayo, not Miracle Whip. (Or say Yellow Mustard instead of Grey Poupon. Or maybe he's just right for Grey Poupon?)
There you have it. Al Gore is all condiment. Those of you interested in further research re: mayonnaise and white spreads in general will enjoy this comprehensive evaluation of sandwich lubes.
On another note entirely, strongsmell.com is today launching a new series on xenon, which is the second-heaviest of all the noble gases. It begins with a poem.
Posted by Bret at 04:37 PMre: Cool WhipIf it's consumed after the act of passion, straight out of the tub, then it's foodstuff. If, however, it is consumed during the act of passion, enjoyed as a delicate enhancement to the natural flavour of your partner, then it's a condiment. I don't think there's any other use for edible oil products, do you?
Verdict: Foodstuff still wins.
Posted by Bret at 04:06 PM | Comments (1)This interactive cyber-participation process is working like a humdinger. Really it is.
But.
A troublesome trend has emerged over the past 36 hours. Specifically, many of you cannot resist the temptation to write boldly suggestive copy, and accordingly this hot sandwich finds its inbox full of hot-and-steamies.
I am not a prude, so much of this dirty smut will shortly grace the pages of this hot sandwich.
I am, however, scandalized.
Thanks very much for that.
Posted by Bret at 04:02 PMre: foodstuff vs. condiment, v.1i would call it an unqualified success, despite the bush/gore2000 aftertaste.
hmm. al gore. condiment or foodstuff?
The viewer raises an excellent question. So.
Al Gore: condiment or foodstuff?
As before, please show your work.
foodstufforcondiment@hotsandwich.com
Posted by Bret at 04:44 PMGoodness, goodness, goodness. One little question, and suddenly this hot sandwich finds its inbox stuffed full of e-contributions from you, the internet public. Apparently you do not have anything better to do with your time. This is a good thing, as it drives up the traffic numbers and aids the march toward cyber-fame and cash money riches. Thank you all.
I suppose you would like to know how the voting turned out. You are dying to know whether Cool Whip is a condiment or a foodstuff.
Well. Far be it from me to shy away from giving the fans what they want. First, the tally:
Votes for foodstuff: 2
Votes for condiment: 2
Spoiled ballots: 2
What constitutes a spoiled ballot? A vote that fails to specify a preference for either foodstuff or condiment. For example:
"How about dessert?"
or:
"Cool Whip is neither a condom nor a foot long thingy...(embarrassingly dirty passage excised here)
...Don't get that stuff all over your mouth, I caution."
Really, I never. Shame on whoever sent that in.
We have a problem on our collective hands. We have failed utterly to resolve the issue, and fully one-third of our participants cannot even follow simple instructions. It is a situation begging for careful thought and sensible analysis.
So here is how we will proceed. First, some of the sensible arguments for foodstuffery:
"I'm afraid my limited powers of argument cannot overcome the fact that most normal people sit down to a nice plastic bowl of Cool Whip, and, if they're feeling ambitious, will add a condiment of pumpkin pie."
"Foodstuff. The way it disappears at my house is quite fascinating. If it is something that sits in our fridge or cupboard for more than a year, it's a condiment. If it disappears before the milk expires or the cheese gets a tad moldy, I would consider it a foodstuff."
Next, some of the sensible arguments for condimentry:
"Ummm, does edible oil count as a condiment? If so, I vote condiment. If not, I vote lotion."
"If it comes in a tub it's a condiment. Cool Whip comes in a tub. So Cool Whip is a condiment."
Not much of a contest. Foodstuff wins.
Pudding in a cloud, anyone?
Posted by Bret at 01:55 PMAs I promised yesterday, this hot sandwich is about to begin a fabulous new project, one that will bring happiness and delight to the citizens of the internet. How? Why, with interactivity, of course.
This project is so interactive that it has already drawn support from the public. Congratulations, Casey; you sent the very first interactive e-contribution!
You probably remember that this hot sandwich will be asking you to decide whether a given item is:
a) a condiment, or;
b) a foodstuff.
So let's get on with the deciding, beginning with good Casey's suggestion:
Cool Whip: condiment or foodstuff?
A tough decision, true, but I am confident you are all up to the task. Click this convenient link, and remember to show your work:
foodstufforcondiment@hotsandwich.com
Thank you for your assistance.
Posted by Bret at 12:43 PMFirst, thank you for your repeat visits. This hot sandwich is now up to a whopping 26 daily page views, on average, which is a whole lot more than it was getting two weeks ago. Thanks especially to Sean, who not only clicked the link but also sent a note. He is cyber-riffic.
Now.
You will be glad to learn that there is more coverage of the Swiss at strongsmell.com. It is news you can use.
Also: I have been thinking that it is time to begin a series of user-participation projects here at this hot sandwich. The first will be a series of votes, in which you the public will be asked to decide whether a given item is:
a) a condiment, or;
b) a foodstuff.
It is going to be great.
Posted by Bret at 08:21 PMI don't know how to write film treatments but I would very much like to have one of my ideas turned into a movie.
So.
I thought I would just put the idea here, and if any film producers happen by they can arrange for all the actors and the caterers and whatnot, and then just mail the royalty cheques and the premiere invitation to my house when the edit is complete.
Here's the idea:
Independent wine critic by day, ninja cop by night
See, there's this guy named Bob, and he puts out an independent publication (okay, zine) which is full of his own reviews of wine. He likes New World stuff mostly, especially big juicy flavourful reds that the mainstream critics look down on. Bob stands alone in his opposition to all those wine writers who won't shut up about "minerality" and "terroir." Bob does this because he thinks "minerality" is a euphemism for "tastes like percolated ass" and "terroir" is a euphemism for "tastes like lumps of dirt-encrusted ass."
And at night, he's a ninja cop. So he's probably going to need some of those slippers with toes.
Posted by Bret at 03:43 PM