If I want to keep your respect I should post something

You are right. You have gone much too long without any Top Quality Content™.

So here is a list of upcoming features:

1. "Dar" Heatherington: The missing link between SARS I and SARS II?
2. My former boss just quit his job and it was in the paper.
3. Do you think Astro Boy was a total fruit or what?
4. Now that it's legal, should Don Cherry and Ron MacLean get married?
5. My parents are in Newfoundland right now, terrorizing the proprietors of beds-and-breakfast the province over.
6. Should they be fined for their hijinks?
7. Yes.
8. That is all.

Posted by Bret at 12:51 AM | Comments (1)

The poetry contest ends

This will interest and delight all the internet public, but it will especially rivet two of you.

You know who you are. One of you has the initials "TT." The other, "SN."

Both of you submitted wonderfully helpful answers to the questions I posted a few months ago. You each scored 11 points. Congratulations for that.

Because no one triumphed, we had a tiebreaker. Please, I asked you, write some verse and send it in. The rules were very simple:

1. All entries must comply with the strongsmell.com poetry policy.
2. All entries must address the "Chutney" v. "Dill Bits" debate.
3. That is all.
4. Entries from the public at large are encouraged.
5. But the public at large will begin with an 11-point handicap.
6. Because the public at large did not frickin' participate in the previous round.
7. That is all.

Only "TT" submitted verse. Here is that entry:

When you're old and think you're sweet
Take off your shoes and smell your feet
(especially if you are Swiss.)

You will all agree this is a very fine piece of verse indeed.

However. It fails to comply with rule #2. It is not down with #2. It wants nothing to do with Number Two.

This is really too bad for "TT," whose entry must suffer immediate and total disqualification.

"SN," if you are still a regular visitor here at this hot sandwich, congratulations. You win.

Please send me five dollars.

Posted by Bret at 11:28 AM | Comments (1)

More misadventures behind the wheel

I didn't tell you about this back when it happened because I was all busy spending my days hard at work and couldn't find enough time for you, the internet public. But you deserve to hear about it anyway, because it is an important and serious story.

One day about a month ago I was driving the Silver Bum downtown in the Centre Of The Universe. I was cruising. I had the window down and my hair was blowing in the breeze. I was much, much cooler than you.

Then I came to a stop sign. Or, rather, the taxicab in front of the Silver Bum and me came to a stop sign. So the cab driver stopped and so did I.

Then there was a long pause. It was as if the cab driver had forgotten that you have to take the initiative after a stop sign and that they don't turn green to tell you when to stop braking and that unlike those coddling traffic lights they do not do all the work for you so you have to pay attention. Probably he had spent the morning huffing glue.

When, I wondered, is this guy going to notice that the way is clear and he has the right of way? When will he stop living in the past and get on with his life?

Then.

His back-up lights came on.

Then.

The taxicab began reversing toward the Silver Bum.

Then.

I totally beeped the horn, as if to say this:

"Please stop reversing, assface!"

The message did not get through. The taxicab backed right into the Silver Bum.

Crunch, it said.

"Oh, for the love of Pete," I said. Then I said this:

"Auuggghh!"

"Miserable crap!"

"Bloody hell!"

"Spirit of ass!"

I got out of the Silver Bum and went over to the taxicab's driver-side window.

"Say," I said, "would you please stop doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Backing into me."

"I didn't do that."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Quit fooling around."

"Okay."

"Give me your name and phone number."

"I am Ahmed. 555-1234"

"That's not a real phone number."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Five-five-five numbers are only for movies and TV. They aren't real."

"They are as real as birthdays and haircuts and choirs are."

"..."

"You should read more and watch less TV. You are stupid."

"I'm dialing it right now on my portable telephone. It better be real."

"Or else what?"

"Or else I will brain you with this lithium-ion battery."

"Maybe I misspoke. Try 895-7635 instead."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Hey, that's my number, you butthole. Where did you get my number?"

"I love you. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yes."

"I am from the future."

"Ah."

"..."

"What's that like?"

"Sunny, mostly. Except when they have the rain on."

"Must make planning easy."

"It should, but nobody pays enough attention."

"That must be like second nature for you."

"What?"

"Not paying attention."

"Beg pardon?"

"You just backed into my car."

"No, you rear-ended me."

"Do you want me to club you into unconsciousness right here?"

"Not really."

"..."

"Not at all, actually."

"Okay then."

"Okay."

"See you around."

"Whatever."

"That's enough lip out of you."

"..."

"Shhh!"

Posted by Bret at 11:59 PM