Today I was sitting on the bus in one of those one-person seats. Two people got on the bus together. They were holding hands all tightly and trying hard not to break eye contact with each other and totally shutting out the world if you catch my drift.
They were both around 30 years old. They were dressed all in black with black trenchcoats over top. Or rather she had a dark purple velvet shirt on but you catch my drift. They wore gleaming steel-toed army boots. They had little stringers of braid descending from their glossy Miss Clairol black hair. They wore chunky silver rings on every finger and a few thumbs. Chains poked out of their tranchcoats in several places. They were caked with eyeliner. They were fat. They were totally covered in cat hair.
The bus was crowded and all the seats were taken so they came over to stand beside me. Here is what they said to each other, loudly:
"Why do you always have to let go?"
"What?"
"Why are you always letting go when I'm holding your hand?"
"I'm not. We've been holding hands all afternoon."
"When we got on the bus."
"I needed to get my money out of my pocket."
"I said I would pay."
"I got on the bus first. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal."
"You know I wanted this day to be something I did for YOU."
"It is."
"So why wouldn't you just keep holding my hand and let me pay?"
"I just didn't think about it. It's the bus. You got lunch."
"So it's tit for tat now? God, why do you have to make this so hard?" (Blinks back tears, maintains eye contact.)
"I'm sorry."
"..."
"Really, I'm sorry."
"..." (Blinks back more tears)
"..."
"..."
"merp." (This was spoken in a very soft voice, with a slight Muppet throatiness, à la Kermit or Ernie.)
"..."
"merp."
"merp."
"merp merp merp."
"mer mer merp mer merp merp mer mer merp."
"merp merp mer merp merp mer mer mer merp."
They embraced, tightly. She buried her chin in his neck and he in hers. She visibly moved her pelvis forward. He did the same. Tears flowed.
"Don't ever let me go again."
"I won't"
"mer merp."
"mer mer merp."
...
Most times I am loath to rush to moral judgment but here silence is simply not an option. Here is my moral judgment.
Unless the words "mer" and "merp" actually appear in your native tongue, it is not acceptable to use them as expressions of affection on a public transit vehicle. Take off your clothes and rub each other instead.
Thanks so much for your time and attention. Mer mer merp.
Posted by Bret at 05:16 PM | Comments (3)